The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
Retransmitted by permission for those needing an RSS feed.
For Sept. 7, 2006. Let's get this straight, Katie; Reuters' outsourced photo lab in Singapore sends out doctored smoke swirls and someone is canned, but CBS's flacks knock two salamis off your waistline and they get off with an apology? And what are you doing sprucing up your mug shot, and you're not even a newspaper columnist, asks the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 681!
SPEAKING OF DOCTORING. Decades ago there was a little corrugated-metal newsstand on a downtown Dayton, Ohio, street. It was about twice the size of a phone booth and was one of the few businesses that opened in the great Blizzard of '78. It had an amusing sign on its roof that said, "We occupy the whole building."
Well, the whole building and the sign are gone but its image remains, Photoshopped into a pencil drawing from a personally owned photo by the Chief Copyboy. It's on its way to becoming a painting.
We admit doctoring the photo. It isn't a news photo. Nobody cared when I admitted counterfeiting horoscopes for the Dayton Daily News many years ago. But photos are different. Maybe news people everywhere will get mad and Reuters, feeling the pressure, will send me a severance check.
Anyway, see the opus here for your own look.
SON OF SPEAKING OF DOCTORING. ABC, no network except maybe the KKK Channel has inspired more heat for sloppy fact checking than you have for your upcoming 9/11 docucartoon. We're not joining the outrage. Blame the Washington Post for Washington Times reportage, blame Clinton for all the sour milk in Iowa, blame Nancy Pelosi for everything Chicken Little says. Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" broadcast is about to be eclipsed, thank you, and it's about time pop culture had a new chuckle.
NOT ABOUT TOM AND JEN'S BABY. This item has nothing to do with the Cruise kid or her flaky parents. But keyword search engines don't know that.
WHERE TO PUT THE BIG WALL. It had to happen that BONG eventually would join the immigration controversy, that phony issue that displaced gay marriage and flag burning to get out the base. The Security Issues and Jobsite Purity Committee has rendered its recommendation that we don't build a huge wall along the Mexican border. Build it on the Texas state line. Keeping Texans out of the United States is a better idea because:
- Texans bring low wage and lifestyle expectations to workplaces in the civilized world. They think an hour should get you three bottles of beer or two gallons of gas and what else matters? That makes it hard on the rest of us, who must buy soap and toothpaste.
- Look at how much of downtown Houston doesn't even have sidewalks and ask yourself: What must their bathrooms be like?
- Civilized Americans are much more likely to be confronted by a wife beater, tax evader, illegitimate parent (or child, for that matter), corporate polluter, violent criminal, drunk driver or road rager from Texas than from any Latin country.
- Minority disclosure: We are grateful for the advance warning about Texas drivers in Chevy or GMC pickup trucks, who signal their approach with one front light burned out.
- Even more than Hispanics on parade, Texans love waving a foreign flag. For some reason Texans glorify a republic that didn't even last long enough to print postage stamps.
- Politicians in Texas are chosen by the height of their boots. There's a reason for that.
- Texans scoff at laws against slaughtering horses. There are enough dead horses just lying around Texas to make chili; who needs to slaughter them?
For the above reasons, plus the fact that American jobs are threatened much more by India, Malaysia and China than by any Hispanic country, the committee favors an impenetrable wall at the Texas state line. This guarantees approval by New Mexico, Oklahoma and Louisiana. Sorry, Mexico, you'll have to build your own.) Editorial writers please copy.
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: The Deft Duo jet to Florida on the copy desk coffee urn, converted to a low-orbit rocket by the insertion of a Do-Good Pellet from the pocket of Speed's trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island, and Speed avers, "I think that's a campaign event right over there, Typo!"
PANEL TWO: Typo enumerates, "Let's see, Boss! Livestock being hugged that if it was on the voters' lawns would be shot, check! Overweight yokels wearing sandals with socks, check! Busty senate candidate in gravity-challenged sweater, check! Oh Boss! Be sure to stash the urn carefully! This use of it renders the contents a potent aphrodisiac! Only copy editors are immune!"
PANEL THREE: Speed marvels, "Wow, Typo! Katherine Harris's campaign handouts say God will see to it that the word gets out to all the voters! We don't have to rush back to file our story!"
PANEL FOUR: Typo wonders, "Say, Boss, there's something funny going on! Everyone seems to be surreptitiously gravitating to that statue of Elian Gonzalez in the village square! Where did you stash the coffee urn, Boss?"
Speed gasps, "Oh my stars and garters!"
INTERPANEL SILHOUETTE: Leering Republicans and popout lettering LAP LAP LAP.
PANEL FIVE: Speed, paralyzed with awe, declares, "They're obviously affected but they're just standing still, Typo!"
Typo analyzes, "They're waiting for instructions from party HQ, Boss! As soon as they hear it's all Bill Clinton's fault and they can do whatever occurs to them, it's going to get very risky here! Grab the urn and head north, Boss! We launch or we die!"
BONG Bull is the product of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough in Dayton, Ohio. E-mail email@example.com for any reason. Or what the hell, for no reason.