Tuesday, January 02, 2007

BONG Bull 686

The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
No. 686
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
Reproduced by permission for those needing an RSS feed

For Dec. 21, 2006. Oh, Mr. Trump, family values paragon and media darling of moms and dads everywhere! Put a chapter on how you negotiated behavior mods with carousing beauty queens in your next book, begs the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 686!

COUNTER-PULITZER PRIZES OF 2006: What a year this has been, what with the liberal media cabal laying off hundreds, throwing themselves on the mercy of Google and Yahoo but still finding a few pennies in the cashbox for bonuses for all those talented managers! But still, there were standouts.
YES BUT WE'RE NICER BECAUSE WE GOT IT FROM A HANDOUT: Wall Street Journal, for simultaneously scolding the New York Times for reporting anti-terrorist tricks, and reporting the same news.
BEST REASON FOR J-SCHOOLERS TO CUT CLASS AND PLAY COMPUTER GAMES: Hundreds of U.S. newspapers join Google and Yahoo to share ad and news content.
ANOTHER WAY TO WIN PROFESSIONAL NOTICE: With all of Texas' hilarious culture and jack-leg politics right below the balcony, the San Antonio Express-News makes Romenesko by banning headline puns.
STICK TO RADIO WITH YOUR CHOREOGRAPHY: Diatribe artist Rush Limbaugh, for his televised impression of palsy sufferer Michael J. Fox.
BEATS OVERSTATING TIPS ON EXPENSE ACCOUNTS: Miami Reporters admit accepting money from government propaganda broadcaster Radio Marti.
WE WARNED YOU THAT TV CAMERAS WOULD TURN SEDATE MEETINGS INTO COMIC BRAWLS: House of Representatives, U.S. Senate, New York Knicks, Denver Nuggets.
NOT FOR OUR LIST BUT TRY ELSEWHERE: Author O.J. Simpson, and his book editor Judith Regan.
BUT WHAT GOOD IS THE LIST IF YOU JUST TELL YOUR YO-YO FANS TO CANCEL THEIR SUBSCRIPTIONS? Bill O'Reilly says his Fox News staff compiles a daily 'Bill in the News' folder of press mentions, and for some reason most of them are negative.
LOOSEST HOLD ON REALITY: Who gets surrounded by SWAT cops stalking a Miami publisher on the empty executive floor, in Thanksgiving week, with a toy gun? A pissed-off cartoonist.

QUANTUM LEAP NEWS. Hundreds of newspapers announce their associations with Google or Yahoo to share want ads and, some day soon, news content. Thus ends the struggle to turn circulation and ad sales around. Coincidentally, thousands of journalists get layoffs or early retirements.
Also coincidentally, editors watching the buses leave (or riding them) may ask: How many abstruse committee projects failed to pull in how many prime demographic readers? How many Pajama Day in Features parties did you attend, or order? When's the last time an assistant managing editor went out on a story in the dark? Or was even in the newsroom after dark? How many deadlines did you let slide, and how many thumbtacks in the wall did you sternly punish? Ah well, maybe the struggle for readership at your shop ended a long time ago, but you just didn't notice.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
Also, You always use violence; I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy guy. Beat him out of recognizable shape! I have been scared shitless too much lately. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
Also, The bullets inside are very hot; why do I feel so cold? How can you use my intestines as a gift? This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
Also, Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

SYSTEM CRASH BLUES. By Dayton Daily News' Ken Palen, on the occasion of yet another computer collapse (to the tune of "Spinning Wheel"):

A file called up
Won't close down
Spinning ball, gotta go round
Another system blowup, it's a cryin' shame
Someone call the Help Desk, so they can pass the blame

Got no DB, get on the phone
We're all stuck, you're not alone
Try to keep on workin, but you never win
Time's still a-wastin' as the spinning ball spins

Did you get a busy line when you tried to call Dave Newton?
The systems' dead, the budget's bled and Gene is in seclusion
And no work is getting ... done ... done ... done

Life is late
And Neighbors cooked
In the end, the desk gets rooked
Odds of hitting deadline are mighty slim
We're slowly turning gray as the spinning ball spins.

THE WORLD'S THE GRIMMER: Chris Hayward, TV writer who helped develop Mountie hero Dudley Do-Right and other immortals for the Rocky and Bullwinkle TV show, died Nov. 20. He was 81.

Doug Stivison went from the Wall Street Journal to a "quirky" preaching journal and pastoring a multi-ethnic church.
He said that on the same summer as the first Woodstock festival, he won the Alicia Patterson Journalist of Tomorrow essay contest run by Newsday.
"I received a savings bond and a wonderful letter encouraging me to pursue a career in journalism. Damn, if I didn’t do just exactly that. Now I’m still crafting and buffing up those sentences but it isn’t to earn a 28% ROI for the stockholders. Let the people say Amen, or should that be '30.'"
See it at www.pulpit.org.

COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Finishing the last of the cherry pie on the ledge outside the photo lab, the Deft Duo admire the snowy streetscape below as Speed remarks, "You know, it's funny how no one ever notices when we grab the whole dessert table, Typo!"
PANEL TWO: Typo explains, "It's how we counter Absentee Publisher Gimlet Peen's money-saving technique, Boss! He keeps 'em hungry till the last minute, then dazzles 'em with 30 cold pizzas! The starving rabble is so deep in pepperoni, mushrooms and cardboard that they don't notice us and the copy editors doing the ant-army thing with the good stuff!"
INTERPANEL SILHOUETTE: Flicking a caper off his trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island, Speed belches, "Well, the four pizzas we snagged were good too!"
PANEL THREE: Speed queries, "I wonder if we'll eat this good when the newsroom is fully on-line with that Garble.com search engine and news service, Typo!"
Typo predicts, "Oh, I think we may even do better, Boss! All those Omaha steaks, gourmet casseroles, exotic fruits, pricey smoking materials and rare brandies just a left-click away! And no more lockouts of the graphics, no matter what Legal says!"
PANEL FOUR: Speed gasps, "Graphics!? You mean they'll look at --?"
Typo nods, "You got it, Boss! The executive suite is about to learn how the Internet builds reader loyalty!"
PANEL FIVE: Speed speculates, "Then it's only a matter of time until they find where we've been stashing the convention hospitality suite negatives and -- !"
Typo mutters, "That too, Boss! I've been thinking about how we're going to deal with Features Editor Hyperba Lee when she's getting 22 million hits a day!"

BONG Bull is the product of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough in Dayton, Ohio. E-mail bongstuff@yahoo.com for any reason. Or what the hell, for no reason.

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