Thursday, July 27, 2006

BONG Bull 678

The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
No. 678
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
Reproduced with permission on Common Sense Journalism to provide an RSS feed for any who want one. All opinions and content are those of Charley Stough. Some links have been shortened to fit the format.
For July 26, 2006. What, Oprah, you're NOT gay? What, Mainstream Media, you LED with that? All right, everybody down to the bar for a seminar in what to do on a slow news day, says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 678!

KINKY NEWS. Yeah, well, speaking of slow news, somebody at Fox News wonders why the press is fascinated by Kinky Friedman, candidate for governor of Texas.
First of all, Kinky doesn't really seem to be fascinating nearly as many reporters as any new Toyota.
And second, if any candidate in Delaware or Connecticut never lights his cigar, has a campaign slogan of "Why the hell not?" and has a band called the Texas Jewboys, yes, then someone's burying the lede.
But here's the reason this newsman is cheering for Kinky: He ain't a Republican. He's not in the state legislature that went dead-bug for Tom DeLay.
He's not in the majority that interrupted a special session on school finance to whip through a bill to protect poor struggling real estate developers who build schools and houses laced with scrap asbestos in their insulation.
He's not the Republican governor who signed it into law, so if you find toxic waste salted into your house you can't file a lawsuit until you or your children have the incurable cancer. That could take decades, and by then the developer will have a school named for him and be living beachside in Costa Rica.
And most of all, Kinky's not a Texas newspaper editor who looked at the Asbestos Sprinklers Relief Act, down there in the little type at the bottom of the statehouse story, gasped, rose to full stature almost as tall as the water cooler and galvanized newsroom crusaders with the famous shout, "Quick! Another editorial against flag burning, and write it like you mean it!"

LOVING THE TECHNOLOGY. When the Annual Evaluations, Root Canal and Funner Things Committee hit on the photo editors' convention poster for BB 677, little did they know that they were on the threshold of a new era. Not only can they make you a real 16x20 poster as seen here but they can splice in the personally tailored rubber-stamped line "Do Not Use Facing the Comics Page Without OK From (Your Name Here)." And it's only $25 plus postage! Wow, what a coup for your cubicle, dorm room or executive washroom! See the poster, based on the BACK side of an old 8x10 print from every newspaper morgue, here

PRODUCTION TIP. Every columnist has his or her dry moments. Shame. If Henry Alford can write in the NYT about the books people keep near their toilets, you have no excuse for writer's block. Unless of course you're the food writer, in which case you can recycle that 16-parter about oregano. See Alford's output.

REPORTING ALERT. A major midwestern font of knowledge really paid a reporter to write:
"Like the decorative rock that now sits in front of Stebbins High School bearing a plaque honoring him, retiring Superintendent Alex DiNino will be remembered for his steady leadership of the Mad River Local School District."

COMIX SECTION. Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig will return in the next edition.

BONG Bull is the product of Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, in codger's paradise overlooking Dayton, Ohio. E-mail for any reason.


At 7/29/06, 4:08 AM, Blogger red fox said...

Feel free to check out my blog at and critisize my pieces of writing. I am a high school student from Australia striving to be a journalist, so any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

At 7/30/06, 1:18 PM, Blogger E said...

Texas politics (and esp this year's gubenatorial race): A three ring circus! What's not to love?

At 8/4/06, 7:09 PM, Blogger Kinky is Awesome said...

There aren't too many liberals here in Texas (or hadn't you noticed) so Kinky needs to get the word out that he's got lots to offer Texas Republican voters.

Here's my official list of 10 reasons Texas Republicans should vote for Kinky (I stole this list from a whiney liberal, but I fixed it to take out the whining):

(1) Kinky has run for office in the past as a Republican,

(2) Kinky voted for Bush/Cheney in 2004,

(3) Kinky's interview with Ruminator magazine confirms that he supported Bush's Middle East foreign policy,

(4) Kinky's public voting records confirm he was mistaken when he said he voted for Gore in 2000,

(5) Kinky hasn't voted for a Democrat in any election at least from 1994 to 2004,

(6) Kinky wants to take time during the school day for prayers in schools,

(7) Kinky wants to post the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms,

(8) Kinky is not obsessed with political correctness,

(9) Kinky knows how to deal with illegal aliens from Mexico, and

(10) Kinky’s immigration policy of hiring Mexican generals to police our border is a great idea that John McCain has endorsed.

Well, that's my top 10 list and I didn't even include the fact that Perry just signed the biggest tax increase in Texas history.


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