Help wanted at BONG Bull

My latest edition of BONG Bull, Charley Stough's consistently dead-on hilarious newsletter about newspapering, especially editing, came in the e-mail the other day with a help-wanted ad:

It's time for BONG to outsource. The job involves collecting contributions, compiling in newsletter form, feeding the mailserver, occasional speaking appearances, being a source of ideas and of course dealing with adulation if not adoration, as well as the occasional committee that just don't get it. Passwords to the News Gorilla store, etc., come with the job. Just as with newspaper management positions, some slight knowledge of journalism stuff may be helpful. This is a serious search. Enquire at bongstuff@yahoo.com.

Charley, whom I had the joy to work with in Dayton (when he was at the Daily News and I was at AP), has since moved on to San Antonio. It would be a shame if BONG -- along with Herman "Speed" Graphic and Typo the Wonder Pig were to fade away -- so volunteers anyone? Charley indicates he will continue contributing.

(Of course, if it wants to really show readers the truth about journalism, Hearst, which owns San Antonio, should make this a regular feature of its blog page, which has some good features, such as its Postcards from readers.)

Noting that Charley has not updated his blog since mid-April, two issues ago, I don't want this entry from his latest to get lost to the ether. It's hilariouly true:

HOW THE DAILY NEWSIES DO IT. Making its way through e-mail trade these days is this apparent internal translation of tabloid rewrite desk terms. It's attributed to Helen Kennedy, Jane Furse, Steve McFarland and Jere Hester. Which prove not only that tabloids have to think quick and short, but that a good newsroom bulletin board is what makes a newspaper great (have you hung BONG Bull on your board lately?):
 Feisty: Short, old female
 Flamboyant: Homosexual
 Controversial: He did something bad but we're not sure what
 Scandal-plagued: Guilty
 Informed source: Reads the newspaper
 Confirmed bachelor: see ``Flamboyant''
 War-torn: We can't find it on a map
 Venerable: Should be dead but isn't (eg: Strom Thurmond)
 Knowledgable observer: The reporter
 Knowledgable observers: The reporter and the person at the next desk
 Self-styled: Phony
 Guru: see "Self-styled"
 Screen Legend: Reporter is too young to remember his movies
 Teen idol: Reporter is too old to have heard of him
 According to published reports: We got scooped
 Embattled: He should quit
 All American: White kid caught in criminal act
 Troubled youth: He lit something on fire
 Scrappy: a runt
 Beloved: Someone who's been around so long no one can stand them any
more (eg: Bob Hope)
 Hero firefighter: He put out a fire
 Hero cop: He got killed.
 Honor student: Dead kid registered for classes somewhere.
 Recently: We lost the press release
 First in the modern history of: no Nexis entries
 Never: no clips
 Source who spoke on condition of anonymity: flack
 Prestigious: has indoor plumbing
 Exclusive neighborhood/school/club: the reporter can't get in.
 Mean streets: slums
 Street-wise: Hasn't been hit by a bus so far
 Allegedly: He did it but we can't prove it.
 Shocking revelation: leaked on a slow news day.
 Gang: a group of white kids
 Wolf pack: a group of black kids
 Highly placed source: one who would talk
 Supermodel: her picture was printed somewhere
 Beautiful: a woman who's been savagely murdered
 Blond: see ``beautiful''
 Reportedly: we stole this bit of information
 Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now
 Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now
 High-brow: boring
 Family Values: right wing idiot
 Progressive: left wing idiot
 Couldn't be reached for comment: the reporter didn't call until after
5 p.m.
 Legendary: about to die
 Unclear, uncertain, unknown at press time: no one will tell us
 Plucky: someone who is very, very young, very, very old, or very,
very short who is ambulatory
 Temblor: Reporter has a thesaurus
 Brutally raped: raped
 Savagely murdered: murdered
 Celebrity: He has a publicist
 Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent
 Tony neighborhood: has no McDonald's
 Modest, well-kept home: at least the cockroaches are dead.
 Exclusive: No one else returned the flack's calls
 Investigating: waiting for someone to drop a dime
 Gentleman bandit: he wore shoes instead of sneakers
 Police task force: cops who were working on no-publicity cases
yesterday
 Elite: see prestigious
 Conflagration: what was a fire in the first paragraph, a blaze in the
second and an inferno in the third.
 Outspoken: Rude man
 Strident: Rude woman
 Effervescent: She won't shut up.
 Shapely: face like a mud fence
 Full-figured: tits out to here
 Statuesque: Tits out even further
 Zaftig: fat
 Diminutive: under 5 feet tall
 Petite: emaciated
 Sexy: better looking than reporter's mate
 Dogged by character issue: He screwed a floozy
 Political Action Committee contribution: bribe
 Moderate: fence straddler
 Long-time companion: they had sex
 Socialite: woman without job who lives between 57th and 86th street,
west of Lex. and East of Fifth.
 Heiress: see above, but able to hire a pricey divorce lawyer.
 Good Samaritan: Too stupid to run away
 Innocent by-stander: Too slow to run away
 Tearful: Could have been crying
 Choked up: Definitely could have been crying
    Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye
 Entrepreneur: Hasn't made it yet, but we're doing a nice story about
him.
 Mogul: Has made it, and we're doing a hatchet job.
 Mega-mogul: Has made it, and is in process of losing it.
 Activist: Will talk to press
 Stunned: couldn't give a decent quote
 Dapper: Hasn't bought new clothes in 20 years.
 Hot button issue: only editors care about it
 Towing industry expose: editor got a parking ticket
 ”with News wire services": no original reporting whatsoever - we just
changed the lede