The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
Reprinted here on Common Sense Journalism with permission should you want an RSS feed.
For June 26, 2006. So after the House and Senate agree on an immigration bill, all the through-the-fence day laborers will be replaced by tax-paying, U.S.-born Will-Work-for-Food off-ramp attendants, is that right, Fox News? asks the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 676!
BEFORE WE BEGIN. A few you won't read from the wordplay-challenged San Antonio Express-News copy desk: Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and another for the road." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
THE BEAT OF THE 00s. It would have been a brave mainstream newspaper in 1955 whose bosses allowed a regular rock music column. And a famous newspaper now.
So editors, what's your lock on cutting-edge innovation and fame in future decades? Cover today's circus of election-bending political commentary.
Local talk radio shows are the garage bands of our time. Syndicated gabbers and propaganda lobbyists are the traveling acts. Convention keynoters are the bus travelers. Whether dodging cream pies or Letterman jibes, anyone who makes a living wise-cracking about Dick Cheney or Hillary Clinton begs for coverage, challenge and fact-checking.
Cheap beat, limited travel, big grabber. Come on, you dropped the ball on Milli Vanilli, SUVs and payday loans. Serve your readers by keeping them up to date on 2006's biggest fun hobby, badmouthing the other guys.
SHOW YOUR BACKSIDE AND WIN. For an art project, the BONG Convention Themes and Insiders Secrets Committee seeks copies of the reverse sides of a few old news photos, where the generations of page editors measured out their lives in points and picas. The more marked up the better, even if the marks are only crop marks, slugs, rubber stamps, proportion arithmetics and remarks like FLOP and RETURN TO DIMBLEDORFER. Coffee rings especially welcome.
The content of the front side of the shot is fairly irrelevant, though we admit that any picture that was re-used many times is probably historic, maybe Marilyn Monroe, J. Edgar Hoover or Japanese diplomats surrendering. Just tell us what the front is.
Send no originals. They're probably not yours anyway, and they're certainly not ours. Photocopies or scans only, reverse sides only. Any language is welcome.
BONG will respond with a coveted Commercial Scimitar Foreign Correspondent press card to each contributor. Send an email to BONG Center (address below) for transmittal instructions.
SCREEN SAVERS. Help yourself to copies of any of the original artworks at the Chief Copy's Yahoo pix site. They make dandy screen savers, can be fashioned into nifty resume enhancers or, when you find the secret side pocket, inspire newspaper auditors to rip out walls. High-res
poster-sized versions are also available at marginally higher cost. Upload the paintings here
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Sliding through the rotating door, the Deft Duo come face-to-face with an inward-bound squad of police. As Speed huddles in his trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island, Typo greets the
constabulary, "Ah, then you've come for the drugs, is that it?"
PANEL TWO: The confused sergeant stammers, "Why, uh, no, nothing about drugs!"
PANEL THREE: Rapt in study, Typo suggests, "The guns, then? Someone is complaining about the guns?"
The officer responds, "No. We got an anonymous telephone tip that this paper is preparing to say intelligence agencies' secretly peep in terror suspects' girlfriend's diaries!"
PANEL FOUR: Typo brightens, "Ah, that would be Features Editor Hyperba Lee's office, third-floor corner! And if you don't mind, Hyperba would like your men to crash through the door two at a time, shirtless but keep the boots and helmets, and humming Nine Inch Nails tunes!"
PANEL FIVE: As the peace officers march in to do their duty, Speed marvels, "Wow, it takes a lot to be a modern-day cop, Typo!"
Typo agrees, "But it ain't exactly duck soup to get an afternoon of Hyperba's meetings pre-empted either, Boss! Can I get a little credit where credit is due?"
BONG Bull is the creation of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, former newsman at many fine papers and a couple of yo-yos, in Dayton, Ohio. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org for any reason.